That being said:

It’s a beautiful Saturday in San Francisco.  Blue Angels flying around.  People out doing stuff, including my family.  A good day in the City.

And here I am, at the computer, working on pointless docs for useless people who make me miserable and who I am quite certain will never be of any use to me or my company, as much as they are currently pretending otherwise.  I may as well be back as an analyst at an investment bank.

And I can’t help but think that in my worst poker days, my worst runs, my worst bad beats, I never felt the kind of frustration and emptiness I feel now.

[insert photo of world's smallest violin right here]

And this would certainly beat trying to mollify vendors who we are past due with, or squeeze retailers who are past due with us, or absorb lectures from people who have no clue about our business.   Or deal with the justified  frustration of my wife, who can’t understand how a fairly intelligent and capable guy is not making money.

I imagine that Tommy, however, would caution that those who are overly desperate to play are really not in a good frame of mind to play.  I suppose he’d suggest that I would be at my best if I really didn’t care one way or the other.

Conundrum!

My Q1 run of play was certainly positive.  Unfortunately, all the MASSIVE profits quickly went toward bills and expenses, extinguishing my temporary roll.  I think I know this song.

–

I’ve played only one session in the last couple of months.  Was in Vegas for a trade show a few weeks ago, and scrounged enough money together for a 2/5 no limit session at Bellagio.  For what its worth: ‘scrounged’ is an excellent word choice here.  I remain undefeated in this particular game over the years, which, no matter how incredibly awesome a player I am, is a statistical improbability. It helped that when down to my last few hundred I flopped quad 8s, and got matched up against Aces full AND a guy intent on calling everybody no matter what.  Another statistical improbability.

–

Speaking of statistical improbabilities: why is it that while I played high stakes all of the statistical improbabilities I encountered seemed to benefit my opponents?

–

My wife suggests that we find a way to get me playing more.  Assuming I do, will I be able to cope with this kind of pressure?

One thing about this guy: inevitably he gets exposed for making dumb plays himself, and when this happens and he gets lucky he will say the following, verbatim:  “oh, well, nice that I can suck out every now and then too!”  And then he goes right back to complaining about other people.

Another thing about this guy: when he does expose himself as a donkey and gets lucky, inevitably its me on the receiving end.

–

Side note, best bumper sticker I’ve ever seen: “I dream of a day when our schools will get all the money they need and the air force will have to hold a bake sale to fund its next bomber.”

–

Our school’s big event was last night, a big live and silent auction for grown-ups only.

The strategy, as I imagine is the case in most of these events, is to get us parents as good and loaded as possible, so as to make us loose with our wallets.  Raise your ($10) glass, and it will be filled!

And it works, as I am fairly sure I spent a lot of money, but I can’t quite remember on what.

Fortunately I had a good Lucky Chances session on Friday to cover.

The only real problem: the financial situation mandates conservative play, most evident on the river, where I made a point of not taking chances, rarely value betting or raising  in position, out of fear of going bust.  Not optimal in terms of long-run EV, but I think an acceptable way to play provided I am consistent (and not obvious about it).  In fact, the loss resulted from just one hand where I did make a thin value bet and then was check raised.

Followed up by a 3-3 positive in Tahoe and Reno last weekend.  Two nights at the 2/3 at Harveys, which seems to play really, really small.  Truly a grind, but was in Tahoe so could be worse.  The fun game was at Harrahs in Reno.  They only spread a 1/2, but with no cap on the buy in.  I decided I would try it for a little while, and eventually leave to try and find a bigger game.

Next thing I know its a big bet fest, driven by an old drunk guy who was doing his best impression of Sam C.  Within a few hands I’m being pushed into big all-in decisions, and several hundred dollars are being exchanged on every hand, highly unusual for 1/2 (the old days of 25/50 and swings in the thousands seem to be waaaaaay in the past).  Wild.  Fun wild when it goes well.  Ended up more than twice what I took home in Tahoe after two sessions.  This, combined with some successful sports bets and the kids having an absolute blast made for an excellent weekend.  Made more excellent by all the rooms being comped through my wife.  She’s good at that.  If only she’d stop losing when she gambles.

Feeling great about the trip, I decided to hit Lucky Chances on Monday night, with the stated goal of leaving at 12:15 sharp.  I was SO satisfied with myself when 12:15 came: absolutely terrible cards, yet I picked my spots and grinded and was up slightly.  For whatever reason I was unable to get up at 12:15.  Naturally, at 12:20 I am dealt AA, I check planning to raise, two callers (SB and BB) with no raise.  Flop is K 9 10 with two spades.  SB bets 20, BB calls.  I raise to 60.  SB immediately pushes for 300.  BB folds.

Fucking goddamn piss shit fuck crap, I mutter to myself.  Why didn’t I just leave at 12:15 as planned?  Now I am faced with this bullshit.

And that bullshit should have been EASY.  First, because I am supposed to be playing conservatively, meaning I should fold in a spot like this.  Second, barring any further information, a call in this spot would likely be breakeven at best.  Third, and worst of all, there WAS further information, namely the opponent screaming strength, right down to the shaky hands.

Yet I call, and he happily turns over his set of Kings.  Meh.

Two hands later I lose the rest of my (short) stack when my AJ suited flops an A but runs into a slow played AK.  Then I buy in really short, and lose that when my AQ suited runs into AA pre-flop.  Bonehead.

Overall still very much net positive over the past few weeks, but that whole discipline thingie…

I am in Las Vegas, which is good.

I just tried to kill a few hours at the Caesar’s 1-2 NL game, which was bad.

Poker player whine time: this feels old, even though I am not playing much lately.  My sets get drawn out on, my draws don’t hit.

Which isn’t to say it isn’t true.  In my little session downstairs I don’t think I made a single significantly bad read or technical error.  Yet I lost.  And while luck is no doubt playing a huge factor, I don’t feel like my sets will hold, like my draws will hit.  And this must be translating into suboptimal play.  I’m simply incapable of pushing the table around at the moment.

Plan is to attack the Bellagio 2-5 tonight.  I will have to buy in short, with only a partial buy behind.  Meaning I will need to get lucky to have a nice evening.

I suppose its bound to happen eventually…

EPILOGUE:

It DID happen, I did push the table around, two excellent Bellagio sessions , and because I am winning at poker I am feeling much better about myself as a human being.

Anyway–

Took the redeye on Virgin, which is offering free wifi in December.  Laptop in hand, I ignored my moratorium and deposited a hundred bucks to play 1/2 NL.

And what happens?

You guessed it!

I go nearly bust early on, when, having found the bad players, I get all in with one of them, and he hits a three-outer.

But then I grind, and end up making about $80 on the flight over, and another $40 on the way back.

High stakes!

Case in point: I’ve become a Starbucks addict, and she’s often with me when go out of my way to get my fix.  So now, anytime she spots the Starbucks logo, at a store, in a magazine, big, small, she says “Papa Coffee.”

A couple weeks ago I needed a coffee and didn’t want to get out of the car, so drove through McDonalds.    Yesterday we’re driving past a completely different McDonalds, and out of nowhere I hear her say ‘Different Coffee!”

One of those stories that is far more interesting to the parents than to the legions of people that read this, I realize.

About two months without playing now.   Have some Lucky Chances chips in the kitchen.  Starting shuffling them earlier today.  And starting getting some real playing pangs.  Thinking about tournaments…

Which is a bit of a change from playing 20-30 hours a week of high stakes just a few years ago.

And, at some point a few years ago, I thought I was committed to really transitioning into “professional” play.  I worked on the ABCs, I worked on my mindset.  I had a bit of money behind.  I was ready.  Somehow it didn’t happen.

And I realize that this same scenario describes any number of key “career” moments in my life.  I worked for a foreign government tourist office and made contacts throughout the industry–an industry I really like–but decided to go off to grad school to do something completely different.  I came back from grad school–a name school–and worked my way into an investment bank.  On the verge of a promotion and the opportunity to really learn something and build a career, I left to start a random company with no real model.  I’ve started or worked at three random start up companies, and each time the opportunity presented itself to take some chances and work and take things to the next level, and I never really did.

I’m trying to figure out why.  I do love my leisure time and freedom, but I don’t think its laziness, I’ve been known to put a lot of sweat into various projects when motivated.  I’m wondering if my behavior has something to do with not wanting to be on some kind of ladder, corporate or otherwise, where you climb and climb and eventually hit some random point…and then you are that much closer to being old and dead.